Late-night hosts talked special counsel Robert Hur’s appearance before Congress, Donald Trump’s new self-proclaimed nickname and tabloid rumors about William and Kate’s marriage.

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert reminded his Late Show audience on Tuesday that Robert Hur, the White House special counsel tasked with investigating Joe Biden’s handling of classified documents, found no evidence to charge the president with a crime. He did, however, attack Biden’s mental fitness in his report, calling him a “sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory”.

“That kind of assessment is sort of outside the normal job description of a special counsel,” Colbert noted. “It’d be like your doctor saying, ‘Well, we ran some tests, Mr Johnson, and your cholesterol looks very good, but I am worried how ugly you are.’”

On Tuesday, Hur appeared before Congress to answer questions on the report, though “Republicans pressed Hur with a sharp line of questioning – did Joe Biden commit crimes in an alternate timeline?”

The appearance coincided with a transcript of Biden’s conversations with Hur in which the special counsel at one point praised Biden for appearing to “have a photographic understanding … and recall”.

“So the exact opposite of his report summary,” said Colbert. “At this point, I’m worried about Hur’s cognitive ability. Did anyone ask him to identify a whale?”

In royal family news, “the kingdom has been all aflutter by the seeming disappearance of Kate Middleton,” Colbert reported, especially after multiple international photo agencies retracted a photo issued by Kensington Palace for image manipulation. Colbert jokingly noted that some internet sleuths have concluded Kate’s absence is because William is having an affair with Rose Hanbury, the Marchioness of Cholmondeley. “Oh no, my heart goes out to Kate … now let’s dish the hot goss,” Colbert joked.

According to tabloids, the affair began in 2019; when Kate confronted William about it, he “laughed it off” and dismissed it. “Aha, always a good response when your wife accuses you of cheating,” Colbert deadpanned, whipping out a mock British accent – “Ha ha, imagine me having an affair, it is to laugh! It reminds me of a joke, knock knock, who’s there, oh it’s my illegitimate son. I’ve knocked up my mistress.’”

The “Marcus Mumford of Chumbawamba” is an old friend of the royals and married to Will’s friend David Rocksavage. “Really? Rocksavage? That sounds less like a British noble and more like a musician from the Flintstones,” Colbert joked.

Jimmy Kimmel

“Our friends at Fox are always out scouring the country for things to be disgusted by,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Tuesday. “They particularly love a story where an attractive teacher starts an OnlyFans – they’ll show the sexy photos and then pretend to be disgusted by them.

“Well, the ‘get off my lawn’ patrol is in New Orleans for spring break this week, where of course correspondent Lawrence Jones got quite a scoop,” he joked, referring to an interview with a self-proclaimed senior in college who said her daily staples were bronzer and cocaine. “I mean, it makes sense,” joked Kimmel. “How hard would it be to apply bronzer when you’re all coked up? You’d wind up looking like Donald Trump.”

Trump and Biden both traveled to Georgia this week to canvas for votes in the state’s primary. “Of course, the last time Trump asked for votes in Georgia, he was indicted for it. Turns out you have to do it before the election,” said Kimmel.

“Usually when two elderly men travel to Georgia together, it’s to play Augusta National and maybe see the bench from Forrest Gump,” he added.

Seth Meyers

And on Late Night, Seth Meyers brought up the angry TikTok users who have flooded lawmakers with calls ahead of a vote this week on a bipartisan measure to ban the platform. “Well, it’s more mature than what angry Facebook users did,” he joked next to a photo of January 6.

According to a new book, Trump has praised Hitler in private conversations with aides, and once said, “Hitler did some good things.”

“Oh, come on,” said Meyers. “I don’t believe he said that … once.”

According to a new report, Boeing has failed more than one-third of Federal Aviation Administration audits on its production process for the 737 Max jet. “So unlike their planes, they are totally screwed,” Meyers joked, referring to the Alaska Airlines flight which lost a door panel mid-air.

And according to a new survey, 95% of US teens have access to a smartphone. “Said the other 5%, ‘Mom???’” Meyers said.